Grief Postponed


He’s gone

A lifetime of 83 years

One last breath

And he’s gone

Absence

Silence 

Reminders

And then the pain

With no time to absorb 

No time to feel

Only the processes, the needs

Of affairs to be resolved

Dictating an attention

Refusing

Postponing 

The grief 

And now with only space

And a sudden influx of time 

Comes the pain, the tears

For he really is gone

Will you hold my hand…

Will you…
Hold my hand for a little while?
I don’t need you to save me
No need for you to fix anything
No need for you to hold my pain
But will you simply hold my hand?
I do not need your words
Your thoughts
Nor your shoulders to carry me
But will you sit here for a while with me?
Whilst my tears they stream
Whilst my heart it shatters
Whilst my mind plays tricks on me
Will you with your presence let me know that I am not alone, whilst I wander into my inner unknown?
For my darkness is mine to face
My pain is mine to feel
And my wounds are mine to heal
But will you sit with me here, while I courageously show up for it all my dear?
For I am bright because of my darkness
Beautiful because of my brokenness
And strong due to my tender heart
But will you take my hand lovingly, when I sometimes journey into the dark?
I don’t ask for you to take my darkness away
I don’t expect for you to brighten my day
And I don’t believe that you can mend my pain
But I would surely love if you could sit for a while and hold my hand, until I find my way out of my shadowland!
So will you…
Hold my hand until I return again?”~

~Zoe Johansen ~

Posting this poem as it is so fitting to the moment captured above between my dad and I on his last day here on Earth🙏

Epitome of being Loved

The universe has conspired

Conspired for your existence

Not against you but for you

The coming together of time

The alignment of elements

Molecules, atoms,

Wind, air, dirt

Yes it has all conspired

That you may be here

That you may feel, see, think, love

Do you feel your existence

The rhythm in which you sway

Can you connect to your source

Can you find the wavelength

Where the eternal sits within you

Be still, be quiet

And the space will find you, hold you

Angelic Presence

Thank you Diane, holding this ornament has given me a beautiful moment in time to feel the lost physical contact with Dipak, my precious brother.

Light as a feather 
You must have become 
 
As mostly I smile 
When I think of you
Mostly I feel
Comforted, when I am reminded of you
 
Is this what it means
When you know 
Your beloved departed ones
Have grown their wings
 
Brother dear
I feel a gentle breeze
As I know I feel you 
Looking over me
 
With your visits, your presence
Through memories
Of laughter 
And love and more
 
And now our souls 
Have found a new dimension 
So never are we to be lost again
As the love I feel is deep, true and resilient 
 
May you rest with peace
May I live with a grace
May we share the knowledge of true bliss
In both life with and without wings

If love is not…

If love is not fear
It must be bravery
Bravery to fight the demons 
That fuel all our fears
Bravery to stand tall and breathe in air
Knowing it is the shield in life
 
If love is not guilt
It must be freedom
Freedom to confront
The choices you’ve made
Choices leading to hurt
Then freedom to choose your healing
 
If love is not judgement
It must be acceptance
Acceptance that all is 
Just how it’s meant to be,
And that there is a path
Not of good or bad,
But of learning and discovery 
 
So love is… bravery
Love is…freedom
And love is… acceptance
 
Love in its deepest form 
Is acknowledgement,
That there is YOU
You in this time
You with this life
You with all your 
Demons and divinity,
Making the wholesomeness 
You are meant to be.

Window to Love

Sitting on the sill
Pressed against the pane,
Cool then misted


Clear then obscure.
Convinced my love 
I was waiting for.


Eyes searching
Heart yearning
Feeling empty like a shell.


The rays of light
Giving rise to the rainbow
Bring nature’s embrace by color.


Below my window,
Bees saying hello
Kissing the tips of lavender buds.


Swooning in the late afternoon sky,
Starlings riveting dance 
Spilling the vision of romance.


No latch to keep out 
My love surrounded me 
All whilst sitting on my window sill

Rakshabandan

You arrive and greet
This morning of Rakshabandan.
As always, in full bloom
With unequivocal light and love.

This symbolic yellow rose
Stops me in my tracks
As you, brother, embodied
It’s rich depth and warmth.

Saving me from my sorrow
I see how love transverses all.
Physically no longer side by side
Yet our spirits still unite.

Our bond is clear
My brother dear,
As you remain with and between us,
Your loving sisters.

Today is Rakshabandan, the day of celebrating the bond between a brother and sister. The yellow rose is the symbol, my two sisters and I chose, that represents our departed beloved brother, Dipak.
From an unknowing third party, what should the universe send my way today of all days, but a yellow rose surrounded equally by three buds! What an image of our sibling unity!

Loving the Child Within

In the dark,
Shivering and cold,
I remember you.

Laughed at, ridiculed
Ashamed.
Needing to disappear,
I remember you.

Searching for that look
Of approval.
Wanting that comforting
Hug.

Instead,
Feeling unseen
And left behind.

Now all grown up.
But I still remember you.

I remember you
Because I was you.

I saw you
And I see you now.
I held you
And I hold you still.

With a kindness,
A guidance,
A protection
Divine,

I have grown.
Grown to know
The great power of true love.

The kind that holds
The stars in place,
The sun at bay,
The moon for play.

Is this a fairytale
Or supreme astrophysics?
Either way
I must be loved.

How else
Could I be protected,
Be free to witness
Explore and come to know

The Might.
That surrounds
Nurtures and holds,
Both me and the stars.